What to Do When Your Child Witnesses Bad Discipline

If you have any opinions at all about the appropriate methods of disciplining children, and if you are ever anywhere near any families with different opinions, someday you will find yourself in this situation: Your child sees another parent respond to a child’s behavior in a way that your child recognizes as different, which may be shocking or upsetting to your child.  What can you say to help your child understand what’s going on?

My son Nicholas is eight years old now.  We’ve used a mostly gentle discipline approach that focuses on explaining, redirecting, and using these strategies:

We sometimes get fed up and start yelling or say things that aren’t so nice, but we do our best to avoid being really harsh and hurtful, and we don’t hit him.  That means that when he sees another parent using harsh or violent discipline, he expects an explanation. Read more…

How I told my child the Easter story

I am an Episcopalian, raising my son Nicholas (now eight years old) as an Episcopalian, but I was raised Unitarian myself, so I’ve had to figure out a lot of this Christian parenting stuff as we go along.  I’ve talked with some other parents in the same boat, as well as some who don’t belong to a church but want their kids to understand who this Jesus guy was and what it all means–and one issue that comes up a lot is, How do you explain about Easter?

The rest of the story of Jesus is easier: He was born, and he was so, so special!  He brought hope to the world and reminded us to love one another, and we give each other gifts to celebrate that.  Jesus grew up and traveled around teaching the people to love and forgive.  He helped sick people be well.  He taught about generosity and trusting God.

But then the story gets scary and gruesome, and then this complicated thing happened which is often explained as, “God sat back and allowed his own son to be brutally slaughtered two thousand years ago because YOU are bad!!!” which might not seem to make a lot of sense but sure can make you feel guilty in a helpless sort of way, and then this even more complicated thing happened which easily comes across as, “He was only temporarily dead, so rejoice!!  Never mind about those sins,” and somehow it all has to do with bunnies and jellybeans and tulips, and–well, it can be a bit confusing!  I’m still learning to understand it a little better every year, and I am 39 years old.  So how did I explain it to my kid?

I started a few weeks after he was born.  Read more…

Shovel snow with a broom!

This is a simple tip that I can see is familiar to a lot of the natives here in Pittsburgh, but it took me many years to catch on.  I grew up in Oklahoma, where winter precipitation tends to involve freezing rain, so a lot of what you have to clear from your sidewalk is ice.  Here in the land of picturesque, Christmas-card-like winter weather, however, the sidewalk is typically piled with fluffy snow.  It looks so pretty until you have to shovel it, right?

Wait!  There’s an earlier step that will make the shoveling so much easier, and you might not have to shovel at all!  You might be able to get your pavement completely clear and non-slippy without using hazardous sidewalk salt!

Simply sweep off the loose snow with an ordinary broom.  Keep the broom near the door so you can sweep the snow before anyone has stepped on it.  That way it’s not packed down, and it easily sweeps right off.  If you are going out while it’s still snowing, consider leaving your broom by the end of the walk so you can sweep your way back to the door when you get home.  You’ll want to use your “outdoor broom” or at least keep the broom outside until it dries, because it’s hard to get all the snow off of it, and if you bring it inside it will drip.

Depending on the depth and density of snow, you may still need the shovel to scrape the last of it off the pavement.  Alternatively, if the snow is more than a few inches deep, start by shoveling off most of it and throwing it to the side, then sweep the pavement before you walk on it to get that area completely clear before you move on to the next section.  (Ever walked on a sidewalk where the deep snow was shoveled off, but there’s a thin layer of ice across the whole thing?  That’s the result of leaving behind a little snow that was too hard to scrape up with the shovel–the sun melts it, and then it freezes.)

Sweeping is particularly useful for clearing outdoor steps, especially open-tread ones–just sweep the snow down between the steps!  My epiphany about the usefulness of brooms on snow came when I visited a friend’s hillside house during a snowstorm, and before I left I watched him completely clear his 30-some open-tread stairs of about 3 inches of snow in about 5 minutes.

This technique is so easy, a child can do it!  Nicholas proved this two days ago, when both parents were too sick to pick him up from school, so he walked himself home, responsibly using his new wristwatch and house key on a chain.  When he saw that we had not been able to clear the sidewalk, he swept it, then used the shovel to pry up the packed snow from his own footprints and others’ steps on the public sidewalk.  What a great kid!  (He is 8.)

Visit Your Green Resource for more articles on responsible living!

Martinopoly: What My Kid Did for Martin Luther King Day

Martin Luther King, Jr., has been one of my heroes as long as I can remember. Since my son Nicholas was 3 years old, I’ve made a point of doing something on Martin Luther King Day each year to remember Dr. King and his principles.  That first year, we discussed the basics of the civil rights movement and Dr. King’s assassination and attended an interdenominational service where some of Dr. King’s speeches and essays were read.  Other years, we’ve read a children’s book about civil rights, volunteered at National Day of Service activities, or watched Dr. King’s speeches on YouTube.

This year, Nicholas is 8 years old and in second grade.  As in kindergarten and first grade, his school did some teaching about Dr. King in the week before the holiday.  We went into the holiday weekend with no set plans for commemorating the holiday, and then I wound up with a headache that came and went all weekend, interfering with the chores I needed to get done.

Nicholas announced on Monday morning that he had decided what we would do for the holiday: He would make a board game about Martin Luther King, Jr., and then we all would play it together.  He spent several hours making the game board while I washed dishes, packed up Christmas decorations, and did other chores.

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Read more…

How to Get a Kid to Like Mushrooms

We strive to be the kind of family that shares meals–not the kind that “has to” fix nuggets and fries for the kid every night!  The reality is somewhere in between.  Many of my multi-week menus indicate adaptations for Nicholas: We prepared meal components separately and served his in separate dishes not touching, while we mixed ours together; or we set aside food for him to eat plain, while we seasoned ours in some interesting way; or we served him cucumber or apple slices because he wouldn’t eat our vegetables; or we even fixed a packaged food for him to eat while we ate leftovers of something he hadn’t liked so much.  Different people like different things, and once in a while our menu bends around one of the adults disliking something.

Still, in general we want Nicholas to eat a wide variety of foods for nutritional and politeness reasons, and we want him to like what we like because it’s convenient!  I’ve read–and I remember from my own childhood experiences–that children often come to enjoy a food they previously rejected as their tastes change with time and/or repeated tasting of the food enables them to notice its good aspects more than its bad ones.

Nicholas just turned 8 and just overcame his resistance to mushrooms, in almost exactly the same way as I did at almost exactly the same age.  These are the features of this process: Read more…

Lots of Science Projects for Kids!

Our son Nicholas is in second grade at a great public school!  Each month, he has to do two science projects at home.  I really like the way these projects are organized, and although each student is given a paper copy to bring home, I think it’s wonderful that the lists of projects are available online so that anyone around the world can be inspired by them!  The online version has links to resources at the Carnegie Library (our public library system here in Pittsburgh) for further study on some of the topics.

The science projects are written in a calendar format, with one project for almost every school day of the month, so a class or a home-schooler could use them for daily inspiration.  The way they’re used at Nicholas’s school is that each student chooses two of the projects from the month’s selections.  He can do the projects any time during the month; they are due on the last school day of the month.  Depending on the type of project, students may get to talk about their work to the whole class or to display their work in the hallway.  Nicholas cuts out the box describing the project from the calendar page and tapes it to his project to avoid any confusion for his teacher about which project he did.

This month, for example, Nicholas chose these two projects: Read more…

Fluxx: A Fun Card Game for Everyone!

If you’ve never played Fluxx, this holiday season is the time to start!  It’s now easier to buy and less expensive than ever before.  A new edition of Fluxx has just been released in Target stores, and until December 8, 2012, it is on sale for only $4!  After that, it will be $10, still a bargain price for a great game.

I’ve been a fan of Fluxx since the first edition was released in 1997.  Since then, I have met the inventor and spent many happy hours demonstrating Fluxx and other Looney Labs games at conventions, plus even more happy hours playing various editions of Fluxx with my friends and family.  I am not being compensated in any way for writing this post–I’m just thrilled to share the news!

Any version of Fluxx is easy to learn (and the edition of Fluxx being sold at Target is simpler than most) and fun to play in social situations where conversation or distractions prevent you from really focusing on strategy–because strategizing only goes so far in this game of ever-changing rules.  When it’s your turn, simply draw a card and play a card.  The card you play may change the rules.  Pretty soon, you could be drawing 4 and playing 3 on every turn while trying to get the Cookies and Milk…or the Rocket and Moon….

Fluxx is officially for ages 8 and up because the instructions on the cards are written at about a third-grade reading level.  However, anyone who can read that well can play it, and a child who can’t read the cards can play on a team with an older person.  My son started playing Fluxx when he was 2!  We played at one of my family reunions with people ages 6 to 78, and a good time was had by all.  Older people have very little advantage in this changeable, mostly-luck-based game.

Fluxx holds up well to repeated play, so it’s great for trips when you can fit only one game in your luggage.  Every round is different!  A game might last two minutes or nearly an hour.  It might have several people almost winning and being foiled at the last move, or someone “accidentally” winning because someone else had to play a certain card.

Even now that Looney Labs has hit the big time and gotten one of their products into a major chain store, all editions of Fluxx are printed in the United States to support our economy.

Here’s my review of Pirate Fluxx (and two other Looney Labs games!)

You do not know what you are asking.

This fall, our church has launched a new Bible study session, on Sundays between the two church services, to discuss the portion of the Gospel that will be read in church that day.  As Episcopalians, we follow a lectionary that tells us which scriptures to read each day, and this fall the Gospel readings for Sundays have been sequential passages from Mark, so each week we’re getting the next part of that story.

I’ve read the Gospel of Mark all the way through several times, but this time I’ve been especially struck by all the places where Jesus says or demonstrates that the way to get what we need is to ask.  Several people are healed because they asked Jesus to help them.  Jesus asks the disciples to hand over their few fishes and loaves of bread, gives thanks for them, and manages to feed thousands of people.  When the disciples are afraid to ask Jesus what he means by what he’s said, they don’t learn anything.  Jesus says that anyone who calls upon his name (asks to borrow his power) to drive out demons is doing the right thing, even if that person isn’t a recognized disciple.  He says that people who come to him like little children seeking his blessing will receive it.

Over and over, I’m hearing, “Just ask!  You can have whatever you need.  All you have to do is ask!”  I tend to have trouble asking for what I need, and this includes asking God–I often realize that I have been praying for help accepting the situation as it is and doing what I think I’ll have to do, instead of for what I really wish would happen, because I guess I think that’s more humble or polite or something.  This often makes life really difficult for me and leads to my resenting people for failing to do what I hoped they would do, though I never asked them to do it.  I’m working on it!  This Bible study and the discussions we’ve been having–when other people talk about things they’ve asked for and how it worked out–have been helping me a lot.

But a couple of weeks ago, nobody showed up for Bible study except for my seven-year-old Nicholas and me.  Nicholas had attended all the previous sessions, and sometimes when we talked afterward I could tell he’d been listening pretty closely, but he’d never participated much.  This time I was determined to get him involved.  Read more…

Dessert: A Matter of Emphasis

Food on Fridays
THE SCENE: Our dining room, last night.  We are finishing up a dinner of Honey Baked Lentils and baked butternut squash.  Nicholas, age 7, has gobbled two chunks of squash but only a few bites of lentils.

NICK: Okay, I’m done.  Can I have dessert?

MAMA: (noting lentil level) Hmmm.  You could have Bean Fudge.

NICK: (emphatically) I said DEE-sert, not DUH-sert!

 

Both parents found this hilarious, even though we weren’t exactly sure what he meant.  My best guess is that it was a distinction between the kind of indubitably treat-like food he wanted and the sweet-yet-healthy kind of thing Mama allows when one has not eaten enough dinner.  I had no idea it was a distinction of pronunciation, though!

(He ate some more lentils and then had some of his candy left over from the Fourth of July parade.  We’ve got to get rid of that stuff before Halloween!)

What to Serve for Coffee Hour

Many places of worship, and a lot of non-religious organizations, have a “coffee hour” or “fellowship time” or some other name for “when we all mill around and have a little something to eat and drink.”  At our church, this is a particularly vital time.  Many interesting conversations happen, friendships are formed, and plans for activities are worked out during coffee hour.  We’re really into food, too, especially healthy and/or unusual food, and we have a lot of people in the parish who enjoy cooking–but we don’t get competitive about it.  Coffee hour is not a time to outdo each other with as-seen-in-glossy-magazines fancy cuisine, just a time to share some good food.

I’ve been to a lot of churches where the food served alongside coffee is always super-sweet stuff like cookies and donuts.  I appreciate a treat, sure, but with my metabolism, a cup of coffee plus a snack of white sugar, white flour, and vegetable oil leads to a carbohydrate/caffeine buzz that feels a little scary while it’s happening (I can lose my temper quickly in that state!) and even worse when it drops me suddenly, hungry and shaking, just about the time I get home.  A coffee hour that follows a late-morning event is being served around lunchtime, when most people’s stomachs are pretty empty, and then it may take a while to get home and cook lunch . . . so it’s better to serve food with some protein and/or fiber so it digests more slowly.  Remember that it’s not a sit-down meal, though!  You want to serve finger foods that aren’t too messy to eat off a napkin or small plate while standing.  To allow for various tastes, provide at least two kinds of food, and if you know that someone in your group is allergic to a food (or abstains from a certain food for some other reason), bring a food that is free of the allergen and label it accordingly.  Because people do like sweets and may feel annoyed if the refreshments seem “too healthy”, serve something that’s at least somewhat sweet–but it doesn’t have to be nutritionally bankrupt!–and also something savory, creating an appealing variety of foods.

My seven-year-old Nicholas and I have a lot of experience serving coffee hour!  All his life we’ve taken several turns a year to bring the food, set up, and clean up.  Nicholas gradually has become more and more helpful, and these days he does nearly half the work of choosing serving plates, arranging food on them, filling the cream pitcher and ice-water pitchers (or sometimes we make lemonade), and getting out the napkins and sugar bowl and coffee-stirring spoons and coffee cups and water glasses and, if needed, small plates and/or forks and/or serving utensils.  (We always use real dishes; it’s easy now that our church has a dishwasher, but even when I had to hand-wash, it didn’t take a whole lot of time.)

I’m going to share our menu for coffee hour this past Sunday, and then I’ll list a few other foods that have been popular at other coffee hours.  Read more…

I wish I was a crayon.

Nicholas, age seven, recently remarked–seemingly out of nowhere, but I’m sure there was plenty of context in his mind

“I wish I was a crayon.  Except that people would be scraping my head off all the time.”

Treasure Chest

We’ve been having two main problems with our seven-year-old Nicholas since he was about three.  Recently, I thought of a new strategy that just may be working to solve both problems!

One problem is that Nicholas is sometimes rude, bossy, and defiant.  Not all the time.  Sometimes he’s quite a delightful companion for hours at a stretch, maybe even a few days in a row, but then all of a sudden something twists and he starts acting very annoying!  (We now understand why people of olden times believed children were possessed by demons!  It’s often a really sudden change, as if our nice Nicholas has been taken over by someone else.)  He’ll argue with every instruction we give him, use a snarling condescending tone of voice, and scream, “You’re interrupting!!!” every time anyone else tries to speak–even when we’re answering the question he just asked–yet he interrupts us over and over again.  Daniel and I don’t want to allow our child to treat us this way, both on principle and because it usually upsets us, but up until this point we hadn’t found any consistently effective strategy other than taking away his television/computer time.  Putting him in time-out sometimes helps, but often it simply shifts the epic struggle from whatever was the original issue to getting him to go to his room and stay there.

Our other problem is that Nicholas wants to have a lot of stuff.  He keeps bringing home things he finds, buying things with his allowance, drawing pictures, getting gifts, etc., etc., and then he leaves his stuff lying around on the living-room floor or the dining-room table and says he’s going to put it away “later” and never gets to it.  Daniel and I are aware that we are hardly perfect in our ability to deal with stuff, so we’re not trying to hold him to an unrealistic standard of perfection; we just want to be able to go about our daily lives without stepping on Legos, shuffling around pyramids of stuffed animals, or taking trains off our placemats and heaps of artwork off our chairs before each meal.  We’ve tried various approaches to encourage clean-up and organization, with only mild success.  The most effective way to deal with the tide of stuff is to clean up when he’s not around and confiscate a lot of his stuff; some of it goes in the trash/recycling and some in the pile of things to be sold or donated to people who’ll take better care of them.  He often doesn’t notice what’s missing because he has so much stuff!

The weekend before last, we had a yard sale.  As I was sorting the items to be sold, after Nicholas went to bed Friday night, I had a brilliant idea! Read more…

A Different Party Favor–thrifty and earth-friendly!

Our seven-year-old Nicholas recently had a party.  He also has attended several kids’ parties this year and has come home from every one of them with a bag or bucket of items that he considers treasures and his parents consider crap–you know, cheap plastic toys made in China and low-quality, over-packaged candy and gum.  We didn’t want to buy any of that stuff for him to give away, but neither did we want to have a lame party with no goodies to take home.

Several weeks before the party, Daniel and I decided we were not going to be able to fix two pieces of broken furniture that had been stashed in our basement ever since each of them had a sudden dramatic collapse in which two legs came off.  One of them was an antique end-table we’d bought at an auction.  The other was a Gothic-style chair with a high, arched back filled in with carved wooden tracery, which his grandparents had found in their basement, mysteriously–they couldn’t recall how it got there!  Both were beautiful pieces of woodworking, so we couldn’t bear to put them out for the trash, but we were skeptical about our abilities with wood glue or carpentry techniques, and we have so many chairs and end-tables that we didn’t really need these.

I did some searching online, and that’s how I discovered the Pittsburgh Center for Creative Reuse.  This excellent organization takes donations of assorted stuff that might be useful and sells it to people who want to use it.  I spoke with someone there who agreed that our broken furniture might become part of someone’s art project.  When Nicholas and I brought in the broken furniture, we saw PCCR’s store for the first time.  It’s great!  So much cool stuff!  We had fun browsing…but I wouldn’t let him buy anything because we are trying to clear clutter out of our house.  He was very disappointed.

Then, when we needed party favors, we realized we could get them at PCCR!  We knew just what to get.  For only $1 each, we could give every guest a very special gift that any seven-year-old would be thrilled and honored to receive: Read more…

Public Transit and Summer Fun (Plus tips on vacationing in Pittsburgh!)

Warm weather is here, and I’m looking forward to summer!  We won’t be taking any big vacations; most weekdays, I’ll be going to work in my office as usual, and our seven-year-old Nicholas will be attending art and natural history day camps at the Carnegie Museum while his dad works from home.  I take a city bus to work, getting off right in front of the museum, so it will be easy for me to take Nicholas there each morning.  I’m looking forward to riding the bus with him again like I did for three years while he was in preschool!  I have missed my commuting companion since he started going to a school within walking distance of our home.

I will admit, it’s a little bit annoying that he has to pay to ride the bus now and that the transit authority doesn’t sell bus passes for children.  Most days, Daniel will be picking up Nicholas and usually will do it by car, so Nicholas will be paying child’s fare for only 5 rides a week, a total cost of $5.50–much less than the $22.50 price of a weekly pass.  At least we’ll be able to avoid the hassle of finding exact change every day, by buying ten-trip ticket books, which they do sell in a half-fare version; the price is the same ($11 for 10 rides) but the tickets can’t get accidentally spent on something else!  If I drove him to the museum and then parked my car all day in the neighborhood, I’d burn through that $11 every two days!  (Parents of day campers get a parking pass for the museum garage, but it’s good only for short times for drop-off and pick-up, not for a full day.)

On the bus, and while waiting for the bus, I can read books to Nicholas–or my first-grade alumnus can read to me!  That’s another change from his preschool days.  I look forward to sharing more stories with him and having more reading time than we do at bedtime.

Every day, we’ll get to walk together from our house to the bus stop on the main street.  Our route to school goes the other way, and it’s been striking to me these last two years how much of the daily excitement of our neighborhood Nicholas misses by not hitting Murray Avenue every day!  (Sometimes I’ve taken him for a walk in the evening to see a digging machine, an antique storefront newly exposed during a renovation, or something else of interest that may vanish before the weekend.)  We’ll ride past a new apartment building every day and watch its construction. Read more…

Morning Conversation (starfish and princesses)

The scene: Our dining room, 7:00 a.m.  Nicholas is eating a Grape-nuts Smile.  Mama is eating Tomato Toast and reading the newspaper, wherein she discovers some facts that might interest a 7-year-old.

MAMA: Did you know?  The starfish is not really a fish.  Also, it has no brain and no blood.

NICK: Did you know?  Some princesses are not really princesses.  They are made of garbage bags stacked up and painted different bright colors.  With lipstick.

(A moment of startled silence passes.)

MAMA: I did not know that.

NICK: Well, I did not know about the starfish having no brain or blood.  But I knew it was not a fish.  Anyone can see that.

It’s like we’re related or something.

I have a very good memory for details.  The best I can explain it is that I retain a lot of details from my experiences and reading, and they are connected to one another in a massive and complex web that I nonetheless find very easy to follow, moving along from one irrelevant-sounding detail to another until I find the fact I seek.  Although this process is very pleasing to me, I’ve gradually become aware that many people find it boring or irritating even to hear about, so I try to avoid spelling out how I retrieved the information in favor of getting on with what I’m saying.

I don’t know if I taught this thought process to my 7-year-old son or it’s inherited, but a few days ago we had the following conversation:

NICK: There’s a certain toy I really need to have, but I’m not sure what to call it.  What’s that dip made from avocados? Read more…

Mama’s Personal DJ

A couple of Saturdays ago, I was all set for a big cooking binge, making a batch of Tart & Tangy Baked Beans from The Moosewood Cookbook plus four loaves of Raisin Bran Bread, then freezing some vegetables and washing dishes while the food was in the oven.  I thought my seven-year-old son would help me cook, as he often does, and during that time his dad would get some work time upstairs.  (He works from home as a computer programmer, and his weekday working hours are cut short by picking up Nicholas from school, so he’s often trying to squeeze in some work on the weekend.)  But Nicholas did not want to help cook!  He was all set to make a big fuss about how Mama or Daddy “had to” spend the late afternoon playing with him.

I thought quickly and came up with a strategy that worked very well! Read more…

A Doorstop from Reused Materials, Delivered By Airplane!

Today is the organizing tips edition of Works-for-Me Wednesday, but I have no new organizing tips to impart.  Check out my articles on Organizing Girl Scout Troop Information and Things Not To Do: Home Organizing Edition.  Meanwhile, here’s an idea for a homemade gift kids can use to surprise their faraway relatives!

In early December, my first-grader was looking at a book of crafts made from trash and came upon this idea: Make a doorstop by decorating a shoebox with scrap fabric or wrapping paper and filling it with gravel.  He wanted to make one. Read more…

Dining at The Purple Tulip

Our son Nicholas is almost seven years old and has three possible careers in mind: railroad engineer, teacher, and waiter.  This last interest has increased in the past year, and at dinnertime he sometimes wants to pretend our home is a restaurant.  He got particularly elaborate during my mother’s summer visit and named his restaurant The Purple Tulip after a ballpoint pen with duct-tape flower that she brought him.

It’s an elegant sort of restaurant where the customers wait on a sofa until led to a table by a very polite waiter with a towel over his arm.  The menu varies from day to day; the waiter always recommends the special, and we always enjoy it.  The waiter brings in the dishes from the kitchen.  Sometimes we dine by candlelight or with music.  Daniel and I enjoy going to The Purple Tulip for a romantic date.  Read more…

Adventure in the Forest Across the Street

A few weeks ago, I explained how we appreciate the little forests within our city.  During our Thanksgiving trip, Nicholas (almost seven years old) and I found a much larger forest to explore–in a place where we never knew there was a forest.

Cousin Mike hosts Thanksgiving in his home near Albany, New York.  I’ve been there many times over the past 15 years.  It’s in a very suburban area, on a loop of roads lined with houses about 20 years old; the loop connects to a highway that leads to many similar residential developments and some businesses, but typically you have to drive several miles to do any errand.  His house is far enough from the highway that you can’t hear traffic.  Vehicles pass by only rarely.  There are no streetlights or curbs.  It feels rather remote to us city mice–but on the other hand, from every window of Mike’s house you can see at least one other house, so it is an obviously human-settled area.

Read more…