Easter: Is it just a believing?

May 15, 2013 1 Comment

Huh, why am I still talking about Easter on May fifteenth?  Everybody knows Easter was way back in March this year!  Well, yes, Easter Sunday, the commemoration of the day when Jesus rose from the dead, was on March 31, but Easter actually is a season that lasts seven weeks in the Episcopal Church and some other denominations.  Our Easter celebration doesn’t end until Pentecost, next Sunday.  Alleluia!

A few years ago at this time, when my son Nicholas was four, he suddenly asked me, “Is it really true that Jesus got killed dead and then came back alive again, or is that just a believing?”

I was shaken.  I had been so impressed at his developing faith and thought I had done a good job telling the Easter story so that he could understand it, yet he was doubting.  Did he think it was just another story like “Cinderella”?  On the other hand, the fact is that believing is the main point here; we believe because we believe, because we have faith, not because we have scientific proof.  Hmmm, how to answer? Read more…

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What to Do When Your Child Witnesses Bad Discipline

April 24, 2013 3 Comments

If you have any opinions at all about the appropriate methods of disciplining children, and if you are ever anywhere near any families with different opinions, someday you will find yourself in this situation: Your child sees another parent respond to a child’s behavior in a way that your child recognizes as different, which may be shocking or upsetting to your child.  What can you say to help your child understand what’s going on?

My son Nicholas is eight years old now.  We’ve used a mostly gentle discipline approach that focuses on explaining, redirecting, and using these strategies:

We sometimes get fed up and start yelling or say things that aren’t so nice, but we do our best to avoid being really harsh and hurtful, and we don’t hit him.  That means that when he sees another parent using harsh or violent discipline, he expects an explanation. Read more…

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How I told my child the Easter story

March 20, 2013 3 Comments

I am an Episcopalian, raising my son Nicholas (now eight years old) as an Episcopalian, but I was raised Unitarian myself, so I’ve had to figure out a lot of this Christian parenting stuff as we go along.  I’ve talked with some other parents in the same boat, as well as some who don’t belong to a church but want their kids to understand who this Jesus guy was and what it all means–and one issue that comes up a lot is, How do you explain about Easter?

The rest of the story of Jesus is easier: He was born, and he was so, so special!  He brought hope to the world and reminded us to love one another, and we give each other gifts to celebrate that.  Jesus grew up and traveled around teaching the people to love and forgive.  He helped sick people be well.  He taught about generosity and trusting God.

But then the story gets scary and gruesome, and then this complicated thing happened which is often explained as, “God sat back and allowed his own son to be brutally slaughtered two thousand years ago because YOU are bad!!!” which might not seem to make a lot of sense but sure can make you feel guilty in a helpless sort of way, and then this even more complicated thing happened which easily comes across as, “He was only temporarily dead, so rejoice!!  Never mind about those sins,” and somehow it all has to do with bunnies and jellybeans and tulips, and–well, it can be a bit confusing!  I’m still learning to understand it a little better every year, and I am 39 years old.  So how did I explain it to my kid?

I started a few weeks after he was born.  Read more…

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“Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” Review

October 10, 2012 7 Comments

I was an avid viewer of “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” when I was a little girl, and I renewed my appreciation of the show in my late twenties when I read that Mister Rogers was about to retire and programmed my VCR to record his final three episodes.  I enjoyed them several times before my son Nicholas was born.  Once Nicholas was old enough to watch television, we began watching Mister Rogers, both on my tape and on WQED, the public television station here in Pittsburgh where the show was filmed.  A few years ago, WQED took Mister Rogers out of the weekday line-up to make way for newer PBS Kids programs, but they still showed an episode at 8:00 Sunday morning.  For some reason, they only replayed episodes from his last decade or so–the program is basically timeless (except for the fashions worn by some of the “neighbors”), and I would love to share with Nicholas some of the episodes I enjoyed in the 1970s.

More than a year ago, I read in the newspaper that WQED was planning a new program called “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” based on the puppet characters from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make-Believe and that it would be done by the people who made “Blue’s Clues” and “Super Why”–two of the most inane (though basically harmless) recent children’s “educational” programs I’ve seen.  I had a bad feeling about this.  Nicholas got really angry when I read him the article and showed him the picture of the animated Daniel Tiger:  “His head is too big!  His eyes are too staring!  And he puts on Mister Rogers’ sweater and sneakers?!  This is going to be dumb and horrible!!  And they’d better not replace Mister Rogers!  He’s still good!”

When Daniel Tiger premiered on Labor Day, I urged Nicholas to watch with an open mind.  I reminded him that this is a program for little kids, so if it seems babyish to him as a second grader, that’s not a problem.  I set my own perception filters on the most flexible setting I can achieve without intoxication.  We watched the entire premiere episode.

Well…the most positive assessment we can give “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” is that it’s a safe, adequate program for a preschooler to watch when there is nothing better to do.  It’s kind of cute.  It’s making an effort to teach positive thinking and a few very basic academic concepts like counting and color identification.  It depicts adults being gentle and helpful with children, who are respectful to the adults and cheerfully follow their instructions.  Fine.  But a program that takes on the hallowed name of Fred Rogers needs to be better than fine, and there was not a single minute of “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” in which we felt the magic of Mister Rogers.  This mildly acceptable children’s program seems unaware of the gaping void where its soul ought to be. From its core concept on up, it is missing all the most important things Mister Rogers knew about how to reach children.  It imitates some traditions of his show in ways that only reinforce how little the people now running The Fred Rogers Company comprehend his legacy. Read more…

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Babies and Television

August 8, 2012 3 Comments

Children younger than 2 years old should not watch any television at all.  The experts have been saying this for more than a decade, yet a lot of the parents I know think this is such an absurd idea that nobody could possibly comply with it.

We did.  Almost.  We occasionally took Nicholas to restaurants where a television was playing in the background.  We occasionally turned on the Weather Channel long enough to see the forecast.  When he was 13 months old and the Steelers were in the Super Bowl, Daniel and I watched about 15 minutes of the game even though Nicholas was in the room.

But we never, ever turned on television for him to watch before he turned 2.  When we were at someone else’s house and they had the TV on, we took Nicholas out of that room if at all possible.  I estimate that in his first 2 years, he spent a grand total of about 10 hours in the presence of a turned-on television.  We have limited his screen time since then (he’s 7 now) so that he averages less than 2 hours per day of TV and computer put together.

Why?  Because I’m a developmental psychologist, and I think those experts are on to something.  Early television viewing increases obesity and decreases school engagement. Early television viewing changes the arteries in the eyes, increasing the risk of high blood pressure.  Early television viewing swamps babies with stimuli they don’t understand yet find so visually compelling that it’s hard for them to look away.  The earlier television viewing becomes part of a person’s routine, the harder it will be for them to live without it–and watching television, though it can be fun, is in most ways a waste of time.  Even educational TV programs don’t teach very young children anything.  Before becoming a mother, I read The Plug-In Drug by Marie Winn (see my review here) and was determined to protect my child from television.  Daniel agreed with me.

But then, when I was 7 months pregnant, an odd sound made by the elevator at work reminded me of the “Rubber Ducky” song from “Sesame Street”, and I suddenly felt devastated–how could I deprive my child of the joy of knowing Ernie and Big Bird and…and LOVABLE FURRY GROVER?!  Read more…

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3 Good Children’s Books

February 2, 2012 3 Comments

Today’s 3 Books on Thursday theme is children’s books, and I am going to limit this list to just 3! Of course, there are many other picture books Nicholas and I enjoyed together when he was 18 months-5 years old, before he started insisting on chapter books for bedtime stories as well as on-the-bus entertainment, but these are 3 that have a special place in my heart because they continued to entertain me even when I was reading them to him 42 nights in a row!

Ira Sleeps Over by Bernard Waber is the story of Ira’s first night away from home, at his friend Reggie’s house next door. Ira is really looking forward to it until his big sister asks if he is going to take his teddy bear. This throws Ira into a dilemma: Will he be able to sleep without his beloved Ta-Ta? But what if Reggie laughs at him for still sleeping with a teddy bear? Oh, the agony! I love the dialogue, the dignified way in which Ira finally solves his problem, and the blotchy yet evocative bright-colored illustrations.

I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew is one of the lesser-known books of Dr. Seuss, but it is my favorite! The protagonist has led a carefree life until one day he stubs his toe, and then he begins to have other minor troubles, and a passerby (traveling in a one-wheeler wubble pulled by a camel) offers to take him to “the wonderful city of Solla Sollew . . . where they never have troubles, at least very few.” The journey, however, is fraught with troubles, beginning when the camel gets sick and starts to bubble so our hero has to pull the wubble. Eventually he is “crashing downhill in a flubbulous flood, with suds in my eyes and my mouth full of mud,” and it actually gets worse from there! It never fails to cheer me up by reminding me that my own troubles, whatever they may be at the moment, are not that bad.

A Picture for Harold’s Room by Crockett Johnson is my favorite of the several books about Harold (who appears to be a baby but acts at least six years old) and the big purple crayon with which he draws scenes and walks into them, creating his own reality. My favorite part of this one is when Harold’s use of perspective leads to his horrified realization that he is now only half the size of a daisy. How will he get back to his usual size?! It’s a great story about both the power of imagination and our power over it.

Check out 3 Books on Thursday and Book Sharing Monday for more writers’ favorite children’s books! See my recently expanded article Books That Blew My Mind for 29 of my overall favorite books!

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A Doorstop from Reused Materials, Delivered By Airplane!

January 4, 2012 4 Comments

Today is the organizing tips edition of Works-for-Me Wednesday, but I have no new organizing tips to impart.  Check out my articles on Organizing Girl Scout Troop Information and Things Not To Do: Home Organizing Edition.  Meanwhile, here’s an idea for a homemade gift kids can use to surprise their faraway relatives!

In early December, my first-grader was looking at a book of crafts made from trash and came upon this idea: Make a doorstop by decorating a shoebox with scrap fabric or wrapping paper and filling it with gravel.  He wanted to make one. Read more…

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Earth-friendly Nosebleed Care

October 20, 2011 7 Comments

My six-year-old son, who is slowly learning to be more independent during the night, recently told me in the morning that he had had a nosebleed in the middle of the night.  I changed his pillowcase–our linen closet is in the master bedroom, so he couldn’t have done that without waking us–but he had taken care of the blood from the part of the nosebleed after it woke him.

Nicholas established years ago that when he has a nosebleed (he’s prone to minor ones), he covers his nose with one of the cloth wipes we used with his cloth diapers when he was a baby.  They still are stashed in a cupboard next to his bed.  The flannel side is soft and smooth against his nose, while the terry layer is very absorbent.  Read more…

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Explaining Addiction to a Young Child

October 19, 2011 Leave a comment

You might think that addiction is a topic that wouldn’t come up until children are in late elementary school, going through whatever passes for drug education in their school.  You might be right.  Then again, your child might ask questions at a much earlier age after noticing that someone you know or a television character seems unable to quit using something that has obvious negative effects.  That’s what happened with my child. Read more…

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Words my three-year-old made up

October 17, 2011 3 Comments

Nicholas is six-and-a-half now, but I just found a post I made to a discussion board three years ago, answering the question, “Has your child invented any words?”  I’m glad to see it again because I had forgotten 3 out of 5 of these!

Pretendstructions.  Read more…

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Traffic Safety for Little Kids

October 12, 2011 4 Comments

We live on a quiet street, but just around the block is the main street of our neighborhood, which has lots of traffic, parallel parking along both sides, and lots of intersections where right turns on red are allowed.  Only some of the intersections have traffic lights and walk signals.  There are lots of useful places within walking distance, and the sidewalks are wide, but crossing the street can be risky.  A lot of drivers seem to think the traffic laws don’t apply to them!

When Nicholas began walking, I saw that he already knew (from being carried by a walking parent) to pause on the curb and look around before stepping into the street.  That was very helpful, but it didn’t mean he actually knew how to cross the street safely alone.  By thinking out loud, I taught him what we look for when we pause on the curb and how we decide when it’s safe to walk.  But informed decision-making ability isn’t the only thing you need to be safe. Read more…

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Sleep Strategies for Babies, Children, and Parents

September 28, 2011 19 Comments

Our son is six-and-a-half years old now, and while we’ve sometimes had trouble with his sleeping habits, in general we feel that the plans we made before he was born, influenced in part by the amazing books The Continuum Concept and The Family Bed, have worked out pretty well.

Disclaimer: We have only one child.  These are strategies that have worked for us.  They may work differently with different children or different parents.  If your goals are different from those described in the next paragraph, these strategies may not be useful to you.

The first step is to figure out the most important goals, and the most important things you want to avoid, regarding your child’s sleeping habits.  Read more…

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How do you explain death to a young child?

September 26, 2011 4 Comments

My response to this question won’t work for everyone, but I think most parents can adapt it to explain the beliefs they want to convey to their child.  You also can learn from my experience and avoid leaving out a crucial fact about death, as I did!

Nicholas first asked about death a few weeks after he turned three years old.  I had always expected that the question would come up after he heard about someone dying, but in fact it followed close on the heels of, “Where do babies come from?”–a question I addressed only briefly that first time because Nicholas almost immediately moved on to asking, “How do we make room for new people?  What happens to the old ones?”

I explained that when a person’s body gets old and worn-out, or if a person is so badly hurt or sick that the body can’t be fixed and can’t work anymore, then the person dies.  This means that the body is still there, but the thinking, feeling, active part of the person is gone.

Then I came to the pause point.  Read more…

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Why my child is not allowed to watch Teletubbies

September 20, 2011 29 Comments

Attention, readers: The tone of this article is exaggerated for humor value.  Although it does describe a potentially serious side-effect of watching a program that I personally find unbearably irritating, not every detail is intended literally.  If you feel angry after reading it, please take a deep breath and step away from the screen. Comments are closed now that I have given the Teletubbies fans a more than fair chance to demonstrate their social skills and intelligence.

Nicholas is six-and-a-half now, far older than the target audience for Teletubbies, but this morning he was teasing me again about this rule, and I realized that the story behind it should be explained on the Internet so that other parents can benefit from my traumatic experience instead of experiencing it themselves.

The Teletubbies are an evil force that corrupts children!!!  No, this is not about Tinky-Winky being gay.  It’s about the unique mind-altering, discipline-perverting, common-sense-shattering power of those plastic-faced demons. Read more…

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Mama, what happened on September 11?

August 31, 2011 2 Comments

If you haven’t heard this question from your child yet, you’re likely to hear it any day now.  As the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks approaches, I’m seeing and hearing more commemoration than in the past eight years.

My son asked about September 11 two years ago when the newspaper vending box showed a solemn, patriotic event and he wanted to know what that was about.  The simple answer is, “Every year on September 11, we remember people who died when our country was attacked.”  That would be enough information for some young children.  As with any sensitive topic, the best approach is to answer only the question the child is really asking.  I am sharing the full “story” I told to Nicholas (who was only 4 years 8 months old but was already a very detail-oriented, tell-me-the-whole-story type of person!) as an example of what you might need to explain to a child, but be careful of heaping them with too many details.  In particular, think about whether your child is really asking, “Exactly what happened?” or, “Why did it happen?” Read more…

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3 Fun New Games for All Ages!

July 6, 2011 5 Comments

Well, maybe not all ages, but children as young as 3 can play Seven Dragons.  This card game with beautiful art includes modified rules for preschoolers.  It’s not just for kids, though; it’s a great game for parties because it’s easy to learn and involves some strategy without being stressfully competitive.  Seven Dragons debuted at the Origins Game Fair two weeks ago, and my six-year-old son Nicholas and I never got tired of it during four days in which we lost count of how many rounds we’d played!  It’s a picture-matching game in which each player tries to connect seven pictures of the dragon shown on his secret goal card. Read more…

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A Nonviolent Strategy for Action Heroes

June 7, 2011 Leave a comment

One day, when our son Nicholas was two-and-a-half years old, Daniel and I were talking about how we would do the Star Wars prequels better (a frequent topic of discussion) and I envisioned a scene in which someone is climbing a high, steep cliff by climbing the ivy growing on it, but as dusk falls the ivy wakes up and turns out to be a carnivorous plant, and there he is clinging to it high off the ground, and–

At this point Nicholas awakened from his nap.

Later, we were all eating dinner when Daniel brought up my idea again. Nicholas wanted to know what we were talking about. I said I had made up a story; I told it, “…and then I don’t know what would happen next.”

Nicholas immediately suggested, “He can say, [assertive tone] ‘Ivy, no! Don’t bite me! I don’t like that!’”

Ever noticed how the characters in these action movies never even try that approach? They just assume that carnivorous whatevers will not listen to reason and immediately resort to violence! Well, my son knows better than that!

Within days after this incident, I broke out in poison ivy rash. When I explained what it was, and every time he noticed it thereafter, Nicholas would ask, “Mama, why didn’t you say, ‘Ivy, no! Don’t bite me!’?” I told him that I did, but the ivy did not listen. >:-(

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3-year-old shows consideration in a crisis

June 6, 2011 2 Comments

Here is a story I posted on a discussion board when Nicholas, now 6 years old, was 3.  I still find it an encouraging reminder that in many ways he’s a really good person.

My 3-year-old has been demanding and rude and self-centered lately, and both parents and teachers have been struggling to get along with him…but the other night, he did something really cool:

We were eating in a Mexican restaurant.  Nicholas got a small bit of taco shell stuck in his throat.  (It must have been very small because we couldn’t see it and he could talk normally, but you know how that can hurt!)  He had never had a corn-chip-related injury before and found it very upsetting.  We suggested that he cough, drink some water, etc., but he just got more and more panicky.  He started saying, “I have to get out of here!”  Daniel and I were reluctant because we’d just started eating and were very hungry.  Nicholas said, “I don’t mean go home, just out to the sidewalk.”  I took one more bite, and out we went.

The moment the door closed behind us, he started a loud, high-pitched wailing and crying big tears. At that moment, I realized he had been restricting himself to a reasonable volume inside the restaurant! I hadn’t even noticed that his panicked protests were in pretty much a normal speaking voice so that we’d felt no need to shush him. HE REMEMBERED TO BE POLITE EVEN WHEN HE WAS UPSET, AND ASKED TO GO OUTSIDE SO HE COULD VENT HIS FEELINGS! I am amazed! A lot of adults can’t manage that!

I crouched on the sidewalk hugging him for a long time while he cried. After a while he said the piece of chip had come out but the spot still hurt and he was still scared. Eventually he was done…and then he said, “Let’s finish our dinner.” We went back to the table. He picked up the remainder of his taco and said, “I will trade it for the rest of your soft thing [enchilada]. Eat it carefully, Mama.”

I guess he is turning out okay after all.

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Religious Education with Ramona Quimby

March 17, 2011 1 Comment

I’m an Episcopalian now, but my parents joined a Unitarian Universalist church when I was seven years old, so I was raised in that denomination. There were many things about it that weren’t compatible with my spirituality, but I did learn at least one valuable lesson there: Some secular books contain wisdom and moral dilemmas that can be valuable catalysts for religious discussion and development. I’m a big fan of the Bible and prefer attending a church where it’s the main text.  It’s just not the only book that can speak to the truth in our hearts.  Last Sunday, I had an opportunity to apply this idea in my Episcopal church. Read more…

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I’ll Keep That in Mind.

February 23, 2011 1 Comment

Once kids learn to talk and learn that their parents are capable of acquiring new possessions using this magical stuff called money, they generally begin clamoring to own everything they see that is even remotely appealing.  Every trip to the store becomes a constant barrage of, “Mama!  Can we have peaches? . . .  I want these cookies and those cookies! . . .  Look, tinsel toothpicks!!!”  Aargh.  A parent quickly burns out on patiently explaining why we are not going to buy that, only to be interrupted by a demand for something else.  It’s easy to see the kid as greedy and ungrateful! Read more…

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