Saying “No!” to Toddlers

Today I received email responding to my recent article on child discipline and asking me to take a look at this article: 10 Alternatives to Saying No to Your Child.  That’s some good advice!  I’m glad to see it on a site that helps people find jobs as au pairs (childcare providers who live with the family, usually in another country) because I know that many people in that line of work have limited experience working with young children, so they need good, detailed strategies.  I agree with all the basic ideas in the article, but I also have a few tips on the subject to share.

The idea of “alternatives to saying No” is not that it’s bad to tell a child what she shouldn’t do.  There are many times when it’s necessary to stop a certain behavior.  The idea is to do it in a positive way when you can, instead of just hollering, “No!!” all the time.

Imagine living in a place where you don’t know the language or customs.  Dozens of times a day, people say a certain short word to you.  You hear this word in lots of different situations.  How long would it take you to understand what the word means?

That’s how it is for babies and toddlers.  It takes them a long time to understand that “No” sometimes means, “Stop pulling my hair!” and sometimes means, “Stay out of the kitchen!” and sometimes means, “Don’t sit on the cat!” and so on and so forth.  Using more specific words helps them to understand which word means what.  You can see this in a toddler’s response to a negative command that uses words he recognizes: You say, “No, you can’t have a cookie,” and he grabs a cookie–not because he is willfully defiant but because “cookie” is the only word in that sentence that has a clear meaning to him, so he’s thinking you just acknowledged his desire for a cookie.  Tell the kid what you want, not what you don’t want. Read more…

Things Not To Do: Toddler Toothbrushing Edition

Our son Nicholas is seven years old now and sometimes puts up a fuss about brushing his teeth, but he’s nowhere near as resistant as he was when he was a toddler, and the lesson I learned then still seems to apply.

Soon after his teeth emerged and we started brushing them, the novelty wore off and he began to resist this drippy, tickling intrusion into his mouth.  I understand the objection, but I was determined both to take good care of his new little teeth and to teach him that toothbrushing is part of the daily routine.  He’d turn his head away, refuse to open his mouth, run away, and sometimes cry.  Some nights we’d let it slide, but one day when he was 22 months old he had sardines for lunch and garlic for dinner and horrible-smelling breath, so I was determined to brush his teeth…and it took forty-five minutes to get it done!  I wrote this account of the ordeal: Read more…

Babies and Television

Children younger than 2 years old should not watch any television at all.  The experts have been saying this for more than a decade, yet a lot of the parents I know think this is such an absurd idea that nobody could possibly comply with it.

We did.  Almost.  We occasionally took Nicholas to restaurants where a television was playing in the background.  We occasionally turned on the Weather Channel long enough to see the forecast.  When he was 13 months old and the Steelers were in the Super Bowl, Daniel and I watched about 15 minutes of the game even though Nicholas was in the room.

But we never, ever turned on television for him to watch before he turned 2.  When we were at someone else’s house and they had the TV on, we took Nicholas out of that room if at all possible.  I estimate that in his first 2 years, he spent a grand total of about 10 hours in the presence of a turned-on television.  We have limited his screen time since then (he’s 7 now) so that he averages less than 2 hours per day of TV and computer put together.

Why?  Because I’m a developmental psychologist, and I think those experts are on to something.  Early television viewing increases obesity and decreases school engagement. Early television viewing changes the arteries in the eyes, increasing the risk of high blood pressure.  Early television viewing swamps babies with stimuli they don’t understand yet find so visually compelling that it’s hard for them to look away.  The earlier television viewing becomes part of a person’s routine, the harder it will be for them to live without it–and watching television, though it can be fun, is in most ways a waste of time.  Even educational TV programs don’t teach very young children anything.  Before becoming a mother, I read The Plug-In Drug by Marie Winn (see my review here) and was determined to protect my child from television.  Daniel agreed with me.

But then, when I was 7 months pregnant, an odd sound made by the elevator at work reminded me of the “Rubber Ducky” song from “Sesame Street”, and I suddenly felt devastated–how could I deprive my child of the joy of knowing Ernie and Big Bird and…and LOVABLE FURRY GROVER?!  Read more…

Change diapers in bathrooms.

When our child was wearing diapers, Daniel and I found it very easy to stick to this simple rule that teaches the child good habits for the future, simplifies clean-up of your hands and anything else that’s soiled, is more courteous to the people around you, minimizes the spread of germs, and is respectful of your child’s privacy: When you are in a place without a designated diaper-changing area, change diapers in the bathroom. 

Of course, there are some public places where the bathrooms have no changing tables and the floor is far too disgusting to kneel on.  Many parks, for example, have restrooms that are damp, dark, and dirty.  Others have portable toilets, where there simply isn’t space to change a baby.  In places where the bathroom is unusable, change diapers in a private location, on grass or an easily-cleaned surface.  The only situation I can think of where it is truly necessary to change a baby right where you are is on an airplane or long-distance bus, because the bathrooms there are so tiny and there’s really no other space available–you’d have to use your lap or the floor in front of your seat.  Read more…

Don’t Save Room for Dessert!

One habit I am very grateful my parents taught me is this: When you finish your dinner, stop eating.  If you get hungry again before bedtime, you may have dessert.  In my childhood home, “dessert” was often canned fruit in syrup, homemade yogurt with jam, tapioca pudding, fruit crisp, a bagel, or something else that tasted sweet but also had some nutrients.  I have continued this habit into my adult life and taught it to my son Nicholas, who’s now seven years old.  Most of the time we don’t plan for “dessert” specifically but eat what we feel like eating for an evening snack–chips and salsa, a bowl of cereal, Raisin Bran Bread, or leftovers from a different night’s dinner are as likely to be “dessert” as are sweets.  At times we don’t have any real sweets (like candy) in the house at all, and when we do all three of us may forget to eat them for days at a stretch because we just don’t have a niche for super-sweet foods in our daily lives.

I cannot advise anyone on how to adopt this habit midway through life, since I’ve always had it.  My point is that this is a great habit to get into as a very young child, so if you are raising a very young child or planning to do so, try to establish this habit for your child.  Just by setting an example while your child is awake (planning to break out the sweets after his bedtime!) you might be able to wean yourself from dessert, too!

There are three main reasons delaying dessert is a good habit: Read more…

3 Good Children’s Books

Today’s 3 Books on Thursday theme is children’s books, and I am going to limit this list to just 3! Of course, there are many other picture books Nicholas and I enjoyed together when he was 18 months-5 years old, before he started insisting on chapter books for bedtime stories as well as on-the-bus entertainment, but these are 3 that have a special place in my heart because they continued to entertain me even when I was reading them to him 42 nights in a row!

Ira Sleeps Over by Bernard Waber is the story of Ira’s first night away from home, at his friend Reggie’s house next door. Ira is really looking forward to it until his big sister asks if he is going to take his teddy bear. This throws Ira into a dilemma: Will he be able to sleep without his beloved Ta-Ta? But what if Reggie laughs at him for still sleeping with a teddy bear? Oh, the agony! I love the dialogue, the dignified way in which Ira finally solves his problem, and the blotchy yet evocative bright-colored illustrations.

I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew is one of the lesser-known books of Dr. Seuss, but it is my favorite! The protagonist has led a carefree life until one day he stubs his toe, and then he begins to have other minor troubles, and a passerby (traveling in a one-wheeler wubble pulled by a camel) offers to take him to “the wonderful city of Solla Sollew . . . where they never have troubles, at least very few.” The journey, however, is fraught with troubles, beginning when the camel gets sick and starts to bubble so our hero has to pull the wubble. Eventually he is “crashing downhill in a flubbulous flood, with suds in my eyes and my mouth full of mud,” and it actually gets worse from there! It never fails to cheer me up by reminding me that my own troubles, whatever they may be at the moment, are not that bad.

A Picture for Harold’s Room by Crockett Johnson is my favorite of the several books about Harold (who appears to be a baby but acts at least six years old) and the big purple crayon with which he draws scenes and walks into them, creating his own reality. My favorite part of this one is when Harold’s use of perspective leads to his horrified realization that he is now only half the size of a daisy. How will he get back to his usual size?! It’s a great story about both the power of imagination and our power over it.

Check out 3 Books on Thursday and Book Sharing Monday for more writers’ favorite children’s books! See my recently expanded article Books That Blew My Mind for 29 of my overall favorite books!

Traffic Safety for Little Kids

We live on a quiet street, but just around the block is the main street of our neighborhood, which has lots of traffic, parallel parking along both sides, and lots of intersections where right turns on red are allowed.  Only some of the intersections have traffic lights and walk signals.  There are lots of useful places within walking distance, and the sidewalks are wide, but crossing the street can be risky.  A lot of drivers seem to think the traffic laws don’t apply to them!

When Nicholas began walking, I saw that he already knew (from being carried by a walking parent) to pause on the curb and look around before stepping into the street.  That was very helpful, but it didn’t mean he actually knew how to cross the street safely alone.  By thinking out loud, I taught him what we look for when we pause on the curb and how we decide when it’s safe to walk.  But informed decision-making ability isn’t the only thing you need to be safe. Read more…

Sleep Strategies for Babies, Children, and Parents

Our son is six-and-a-half years old now, and while we’ve sometimes had trouble with his sleeping habits, in general we feel that the plans we made before he was born, influenced in part by the amazing books The Continuum Concept and The Family Bed, have worked out pretty well.

Disclaimer: We have only one child.  These are strategies that have worked for us.  They may work differently with different children or different parents.  If your goals are different from those described in the next paragraph, these strategies may not be useful to you.

The first step is to figure out the most important goals, and the most important things you want to avoid, regarding your child’s sleeping habits.  Read more…

Why my child is not allowed to watch Teletubbies

Attention, readers: The tone of this article is exaggerated for humor value.  Although it does describe a potentially serious side-effect of watching a program that I personally find unbearably irritating, not every detail is intended literally.  If you feel angry after reading it, please take a deep breath and step away from the screen. Comments are closed now that I have given the Teletubbies fans a more than fair chance to demonstrate their social skills and intelligence.

Nicholas is six-and-a-half now, far older than the target audience for Teletubbies, but this morning he was teasing me again about this rule, and I realized that the story behind it should be explained on the Internet so that other parents can benefit from my traumatic experience instead of experiencing it themselves.

The Teletubbies are an evil force that corrupts children!!!  No, this is not about Tinky-Winky being gay.  It’s about the unique mind-altering, discipline-perverting, common-sense-shattering power of those plastic-faced demons. Read more…

Important Word to Teach a Toddler

When our son Nicholas was just beginning to talk and simultaneously expanding his interests in climbing on things and stacking things in tall piles, his father Daniel taught him an important word.  This word summed up a major reason to be cautious about climbing that thing or stacking that way, in one word instead of a whole sentence, so it was very useful when we needed to tell Nicholas to stop and rethink what he was doing before he got hurt or broke something.  Nicholas soon learned to say this word himself, so he could cry for help with his adventures and we’d quickly understand what was going wrong, and also he could warn us if something we were doing was hazardous in this way.

The word is Read more…

7 Continuum Concept Experiences

For years now, I’ve been meaning to write something about how The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff relates to our parenting style and a lot of my life experiences.  It’s a big idea, and I have a lot of scattered notes stashed in a draft post, but so far I haven’t even gotten around to adding this book to my list of Books That Blew My Mind.  This is what 7 Quick Takes Friday is good for!  After giving a brief summary of this concept I’m talking about, I’ll tell you just 7 specific experiences we’ve had with applying it to our urban, non-tribal, high-tech lives. Read more…

Mama, you happy?

One reason I’m glad I did so much writing about my early motherhood experiences is that, just a few years later, I’ve forgotten some of the stages my child passed through, the stages that seemed to be lasting forever yet vanished very quickly. Here’s something I posted on a discussion board when he had just turned two years old, and until I read this again I’d forgotten all about it!

“Mama, you happy?” Nicholas asks this question about a million times a day. Sometimes he asks Daddy instead. It’s kind of bugging us! Read more…

How to Make Christmas Morning Last Longer

My family has a tradition for opening our Christmas gifts that makes the fun last longer, reduces chaos, increases our appreciation of each gift, helps us remember to thank gift-givers who are present, improves our ability to make an accurate list of who got what from whom (as a reference for thanking givers who aren’t present), calms down that “Gimme gimme! What’s next?” feeling, and helps us share each other’s joy. It works wonders, and it’s really simple! Read more…

How to Do Everything!

This article is linked to the greatest tips edition of Works-for-Me Wednesday, where the hostess explains how to get a human on the phone when you call customer service, and more than 178 people have linked to their own helpful tips on how to do all sorts of things.  Here are my own greatest tips:

7 ways to eat less meat.

40 ways kids can help around the house.

13 ways to use less electricity for your lighting.

Toddler discipline in 3 easy steps!

7 product recommendations (NOT paid endorsements!). Read more…

Thinking Out Loud

I talk to my kid a lot.  He’s five-and-a-half years old now and has some interesting things to say, but long before he was capable of conversation I talked to him quite a bit.  It wasn’t really a conscious strategy, just that I like having a companion sharing my experiences.  In my own childhood, I was treated as a valued companion by my parents and other relatives, who talked to me as if I were an intelligent person–not an itsy bitsy wuggums who needs baby talk and must be sheltered from reality, not a burden who should be seen and not heard–so it comes naturally to me to talk to kids in a normal way about real things. Read more…

Knee-bouncing Games

These two games have been enjoyed by little children in my family for at least three generations.  They worked for me when I was little, they’ve been favorites of my four-year-old son since he was about nine months old, and I look forward to trying them on his younger cousins this Thanksgiving!

These are the type of game that you play by bouncing a child who is sitting on your knees.  That means that the child needs to be old enough to sit up but lightweight enough not to hurt your knees.  It also means that you can play these games anywhere you can sit, with no additional equipment.  They’re great for sitting around at holiday parties, waiting in the airport or bus stop or doctor’s office, etc. Read more…

Toilet Training Tips

Disclaimer: We only have one child. These are ideas that worked for us! While they may not work for everyone, they’re worth a try.

There are three main strategies we used in teaching our son to use the toilet that were particularly effective:

The most unusual one is to start with nights. Read more…

Semi-disposable sippy cups

You might be surprised to see EnviroBecca touting the virtues of anything disposable.  After all, I’m all about cloth diapers and hankies and reusable menstrual gear and real dishes even at picnics and just generally reusing everything!

Notice I said semi-disposable.  The sippy cups we prefer are lightweight polypropylene similar to those Gladware and Ziploc containers for storing leftovers–you can wash and reuse them for years, but they’re so inexpensive (<$1 each) that you can treat them as disposable when the situation warrants it: give them away along with the contents, give up on retrieving one that’s rolled under someone else’s parked car, or discard one after something goes moldy in it.  And when you do discard them, they’re recyclable!

Recent conversations have led me to realize that some parents are unaware of this affordable, convenient option in sippy cups, so here’s a picture to help you recognize them in your local drugstore, supermarket, or discount store, and here are some more reasons why they work for us:

  • They’re easier to clean.  Most of the expensive sippy cups have a valve and some interior grooves that are prone to mildew.  The semi-disposable type have a smooth interior and a one-part spout, and they’re transparent so you can see if there’s any gunk remaining.  If milk or juice gets stuck in the tiny holes of the spout, a 10-minute soak in hydrogen peroxide usually will remove it.
  • They don’t lead to breastfeeding problems (if used to give pumped milk to a baby who won’t take a bottle when away from mom) because the one-part spout with small holes requires more suction than a valved spout, so the baby doesn’t become a lazy sucker.
  • They don’t contain bisphenol A or vinyl, both of which were common in expensive sippy cups until recent publicity about the health risks.  Polypropylene (#5 plastic) has no known risks.
  • Because the lids snap on rather than screw on, the cup has a smooth rim that’s comfortable for your mouth if you want to drink without the lid.  Consequently, we often use these cups for the whole family when we’re away from home, putting on a sippy lid only when our 4-year-old requests one.  Only the keenest observer will notice that your solid-colored plastic cup has a widdle doggy with checkered ears embossed on it!
  • They’re really pretty durable.  We’ve bought a total of 12 in 4 years, and we’ve still got most of them.  They do get damaged if your child decides to chew on them.  Oh, and if a semi-disposable sippy cup is very full and is hurled with great force at a hard surface, it can explode like a bomb–we learned that the exciting way!
  • They’re so thin that they stack very nicely, so a large supply takes up only a small space in the cabinet.  It’s nice to have enough for all the guests at a toddler’s birthday party–and if you buy a pack with a variety of colors, you can mix cup and lid colors so that each child has a unique-looking cup.

The only bad thing I’ve heard about them is that some babies (particularly those who are bottle-fed) are unwilling or unable to suck hard enough to use this type of spout . . . but they generally outgrow that after a few months.

We never encouraged our kid to walk around with a sippy cup all the time (may be bad for dental development; might turn him into one of those adults who can’t survive without a bottle of water at all times) but they sure are handy for long car trips, picnics on uneven territory, and transporting beverages from place to place!

Growing a Gamer Geek

Daniel and I are gamer geeks. Our first memory of spending time together (we met gradually, both being members of a fairly large student organization) is a party where we played Nomic.  We started to hang out together more when I came to the game nights he and his housemates hosted. Attending a gigantic game convention is one of our default annual activities and sometimes our biggest vacation of the year. So, of course it’s important to us to raise a child who likes to play games! Read more…

When Kids Show Up at Your Demo

I wrote this article in 1999, when I was not yet a parent but was noticing that many adults I knew were very awkward when relating to children or actually tried to exclude children from fun activities rather than figure out how the kids could fit in.  I mentioned this to Kristin Looney, whose company makes games that are fun for both children and adults but focuses its marketing on adults, and she immediately appointed me to write an article for their Mad Lab Rabbits (the name used at that time for fans who promote the games) suggesting ways to appeal to kids when demonstrating the games at trade shows, in stores, at parties, or in public places where people stop to ask what you’re playing. Read more…