I decided that this text requires its own post to really do it justice.  It started as an extremely lengthy spam email received by my ten-year-old Nicholas, who immediately turned it into a bizarre modern entertainment experience by having the computer read it aloud.  Then he wanted to post it as a comment to one of my several posts about the interesting documents produced by robots writing stuff that sort of seems like English.  This was Nick’s first time ever to post a comment on a blog, stirring my heart with maternal pride.  It was just one of twelve similar emails he’d received, and he posted them all.

When I looked at the text in my comment-moderation screen, I didn’t want to post it as it was–way too long, with no paragraph breaks, so that a human would have a hard time reading through it to get to the many hilarious phrases that had jumped out at us as we heard the text read aloud.  So, devoted to the cause of finding humor amid life’s annoyances, I spent an entire lunch hour editing down this text.  Rather than leave it as just a comment on an old post that nobody’s reading, I’m going to trim it down a little more and make it the first in a series that I guess I can call a Found Text Project, thus making myself a post-modern artist, and I’ll post further chapters as I get around to editing them.

Not one word has been added or rearranged.  All I’ve done is cut out words and phrases (reducing the text by about half–I’m telling you, it was really long!) to keep just the funniest parts, adjust punctuation, and add blank lines between recipes.

It would really add to the awesomeness of the Internet if somebody would make a video of the preparation of one of these recipes, or just try to cook one of them and document the results.

UPDATE: Well, this is at least equally awesome: Keith Naylor somehow managed to find what appears to be the source of this text: a 100-year-old cookbook that is archived online!!  Check it out–although far less garbled, it is almost as amusing.  Wow.

REMAINS OF HARICOT BEANS IN SAUCE: Very good gravy with the fruit in the soup. Make deep cuts in dice, and one-half pounds of haddock, or six bananas–and pour a basketful of a pound rump of a dash of paste. Arrange the oven sprinkle; you happen to half moon and eat them in a dish that rolls up the liquor of a pint of lemon juice. Add one separately, and a pint of red enough. Brown an egg and turnips and pour over the oven. Use vinegar from a large wineglassful of ham, but failing that, then leave it in a large cabbage till you have been well mixed. Take your husband telephones that can do this.

VEAL CUTLETS WITH BEANS IN THE CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAY DISH OF BEEF SQUARES: If you can be added to it in water, it is not Darwin. Raise eighty seedlings from mid-rib and boil till they will be a slice and serve the pastry-cook. Add many eggs and stir them with the oven till they are very white pepper.

RUM OMELETTE: This is heating. Pour the eggs and oysters, simmer, throw in powder. Add as much the whole solar system to it, add one-half pint of fried bread and stir till they are sprinkled with milk. Break into a pie dish and just three soup-spoonfuls of good brandy. Cook first of parsley scattered at the tammy; if you can bind with a delightful thing, then grate some salt and bide at the baking.

COOKED LETTUCE: Put three eggs, with a little powdered sugar and six shallots. Decorate with all four heads of your tureen, and throw on each strawberry jam.

CARBONADE: Drain them on the butter or skin, at a vanilla sugar, pour a vegetable. While you are much liked by adding to cool, cut off the chicory, mince up the mutton into the frying-pan, with dust picked from the space between. Any fish will show you, use a cucumber, a pint of skate, and the hearts of bread.

THE MILLER’S COD: I think in proportion of milk and, if possible, remain green.

STRAWBERRY TARTLETS FLEMISH CARROTS AND EGGS: Pour all in the quantity of one and fresh tomatoes into the fire, the liquor of cold place. In another piece of every day is a small spoon, and half a sprig of meat, and you cannot manage this. Be sure that you have stuffed potatoes of salad. Break the top of water for frying.

STUFFED WITH SAUSAGES VEGETABLE SOUP (BELGIAN RECIPE): Take four ounces of this mixture with the fire and water. Look very gently, for as many crescents one has of toast and salt, throw them with flour; you have no more. Cut off the whole black line inside and melt in the saucepan. If you have soaked in slices, the menu is rather expensive. Therefore, what there be done with paprika? Let it cook with paper cases. Wash some water on the fire on half with vanilla. Rub it into pieces of light. Bind the sliced cucumber, or refined fat, in this paste, protruding all the second cooking so that you will be cutlets. You may require it; it is usual, but, by the strawberry, your dining-room furniture is already beaten whites, and a good French border of egg. Take out before it upright on to the bottom. Turn the soup and pour the fillets of cayenne. For twelve minutes in a bit of an hour, if it rolls round dressed as a rabbit into one and salt and salt, remove it over them and roll into cubes. When the sauce is needed, slice the Thing-in-Itself, and when that covers the dish, boil the sauce round the pan at the loin of all.

OX-TONGUE À LA BOURGEOISE: Scoop out and salt; pass; it is not be used in the sauce as eaten. Drain them, and one-half pound of the outer skin, through a teacup full of three pounds of light. It takes great improvement to plunge them. This is cooked one essence to stuff it. Peel the stew. Flavor some onions, adding a pound semolina and high mold that is brown.

INVALIDS’ EGGS: Take some potatoes, half of an hour, and, taking out a scrap of well-washed spinach, drain them finely, and if necessary, tie a baking-tin, turn it out, and serve poured over the trimmings in a dust of two sauceboats with a powdering of gravy.

SAUSAGE PATTIES: Cut from the yolk of parsley that will answer instead with the white soup. Plunge each piece of it into a baking-tin or five of lamb, removing the cases right way of melted chocolate, and when cooked enough to get thick tomato, serve it in water to melt, and keep them dusted with ham.

CELERIS AU FROMAGE: Use for a layer of an hour, and let it come off till the hare is covered. Cover closely and moisten them. Cut your eggs, pepper and a bunch of parsley. Simmer till sufficient to take care of the pigeons. Then add sugar for ten lumps of bitter almonds, and put in fingers. Chop a little butter till they were cooked mushroom, dipped in the smaller end. Pour it becomes slightly higher temperature, and place on the batter with the cabbages cut in this way.

PINK RICE: Put in the milk, add a dust with oysters as little onions. Be early English; taste the fire, and a few minutes before taking up a lump of dried barley, add a mixture on a glass of cold.

BLANKENBERG BEEF: Serve it with yolk of an improvement. Steam it out the interior, fill it all sorts of thyme, for two teaspoonfuls of milk to simmer for fifty minutes. Then sprinkle a quarter. Take your friends with strips of soy. This makes up any shortcoming in butter. Slip the white sauce and sieve into a moment with a quart of beef, which you have no pancake, and serve them in your fruit. Put in a basin and pour round slices. Peel three hours; you happen to boil. Add two large crouton. Peel finely minced; take a bit of a cup of a plate to look very hot.

QUINCE CUSTARD: When there are half a dust of raspberry preserve on top, spread inside. Fill some slices till they are large crouton. Add salt, pepper, thyme< and the bottom and heads, which are making this time remain in slices, with the rabbit to a little of water. Trim your rice till tender. Throw them the seeds and sprinkle it cool. Turn it back on a pinch of fat bacon. Take the asparagus that is most sustaining, light red cabbage of tongue with a quantity of roast or maraschino, these items being tasteless but, prepared by drop, enough to your slices, and decorate any cold milk; season highly with sugar, and no lumps of melted butter more than a tablespoonful of soup. Wash the grenadine.

HOCHE POT OF MUTTON DRESSED LIKE KID WITH SPINACH À LA MODE: Take the same of butter, as much as you wash it all together, and hurry, for ten minutes before serving. Rub it, boil it, simmer gently, closely-covered, for twenty minutes. Sift some gentlemen coming to the pieces; boil for ten minutes. Slip the cover down. Whisk and simmer them till both yolks of currying are skating in froth. Arrange in slices, heat it on Fridays, and allow it all together till sufficient to a celery.

BLANQUETTE: Salt and cut each person. Watch the dish open lengthwise, take the Belgians. Put at the last minute one eggplant, but let the other in the sauce, and serve, burning the beaten and chopped lettuce in plenty of a coffee-spoonful of boiling fat, and pour the cauliflower out. Make this half-cooked, gently stirred smoothly into water for fifteen lumps of minced veal; cut out some apricot jam pots, your gooseberries and a lemon peel, and salt and let it for six leeks to your taste. Use also a white of boiling water in small pieces, but particularly sliced finely. Simmer up in it. Now for five big spoonful of mashed potatoes cut into a carrot, two raw egg, and one pound white haricot beans, carrots cut in the end, and then pass out.

TEN MINUTES SOUP: After that, you are all over a saucepan. Melt some mushrooms in some slices to become dry. Fold over with milk. Lay the black. Then the meat of one who takes great care not skating for two hours. Instead of the stuffed flour stirred smoothly into each one onion, add oil and serve under a double saucepan.

MUSLIN SAUCE: Fry some of the oven. Use for half-an-hour. Grate half a wire sieve. Wash the omelette and the yolks of lemon peel, and decorate with the meat, and remove the picked shrimps. Then take each pancake saucer fit to dine. Slice some globe artichokes, and when you wish for a few minutes, take care to render this recipe. Make a shower. Let in salted herrings–in England you have no better–and serve them with a bunch of butter in powdered sugar. Pile them gently stirred smoothly into cones. Dry green peas keep their beef into each other.

GRENADINES OF ASPARAGUS OMELETTE: Put a tiny scrap of demi-glaze into a hollow tower. Pour in pepper and the liquor. Pour on philosophical principles. Perhaps the eggs, when cold, chop very well the dish. Powder cold potatoes, and braise them on each leg with powdered sugar.

SHOULDER OF SALAD: The following is excellent if you happen to prevent the white sauce. This is attached to parsley that are well flavored. Let it be the beef upon them in some boiling water. Make the prunes in a good deal of sugar in an oval dish; the gentlemen coming to it are boiling milk; tie the fire, with detail. The most delicate fish, when flavored, can be difficult to stuff cucumber. Discard any fresh celery, then pass through the flesh with cream. Take some slices of fish roe, sieve and mix them with two pounds of water in a dessertspoonful of soup.

VEGETABLE SALAD OF HARICOT BEANS IN THE BELGIAN PURÉE OF MEAT: Cut up salad dressing. Mix in half the King of white turnips, two table-spoonfuls of sauce, two pounds of lemon peel, and lastly a great extravagance to cover the same moment.

ANOTHER SORREL SOUP: Take some onions and fill with fried onions. Melt a pound of a sherry wine. Sprinkle on your sauce two raw eggs, fat bacon or marjoram with cream, and, stiffly beaten, five or six bananas. Serve all grit and white. Form into the size of a tin of the tomato and milk and insects. Place on the top; they are golden. To thicken the rest for vegetables, touch the house and melt lightly. Break into greased molds to fit into stars.

YELLOW PLUMS AND CABBAGE: Take some salted water, stirring it, and place the pan on the juice of the sauce ’round the young peas, finishing with a square slice of soda.

CAULIFLOWER À LA ROI ALBERT: This eats very hot oven for a little nutmeg and angelica; you would stew for eighteen minutes. Take the purée to your liquor, giving it grow cold. Beat up easily, rub them in a mince till the beginning of the oven for three carrots. Remove the greater part of fresh peas; boil with straight edge and lemon juice, pepper and pepper, a teaspoonful of the cellar before it is smooth, and Parmesan cheese. Then beat up with powdered chocolate into the shape of a time of the nut of two turnips, according to any gravy.

SEMOLINA FRITTERS: Fry in running water to cut into a dish, on the other preserved cherries both above and tender. Throw them the bacon, and press on a big sausage cut in the dish; lay them and re-plunge the tongue in some onions and cheese. Fold over the animal. Pour the middle of tomatoes in flour. Bake till tender for half-an-hour. If you like. Make it get cold.

EXCELLENT PASTE FOR FISH: Boil them in another pan and beer in a thin purée to be stuffed with the tureen. Remove tails and strain the onions, about five an hour, with the rind of herbs. Put some tomato into small shoulder in this way, finishing at each chestnut. Bake for twenty potatoes, and pour in a recognized weight.

A QUICKLY MADE STEW Take three eggs, each layer of the yolk of Carolina rice pudding. Roll the gravy. Put some globe artichokes in purgatory before you use fresh butter. Slice some beer–you should be better to taste it–sprinkle in the shovel and red wine. Put them, in fact, in a steamer. Put into joints with the rind of one dessert-spoonful of each fillet of flour. Serve the fish adding a tablespoonful of a leg made of tarragon vinegar. Stir it in a pint, pour over the oven, with the hot thick enough even to bolt and have left. Pick over the soup through muslin; it does not wish to boil; it is quite crisp. Serve it some milk half its name. In small sprigs of the pan, make a mayonnaise sauce of mushrooms tossed in a sliced cucumber, or three minutes before serving, pour in the house of ten carrots. Form into slices. Cut three pounds of the unpeeled kind.

PIGEON AND CHEESE SAUCE: Make some young carrots cut in the center, and fry the white sauce. Six months before it is colored, add a teacupful of carrots, two long sponge biscuits, and a dust of hot cover.

MADELINE CHERRIES: Take one egg powder, all well flavored, some flour and wash them thoroughly, cutting them on to a thread. If you have been the first of the fish, plunge into little cakes with plenty of sugar, a basin and tails, and then slices of three ounces of an egg which has gone. Into a useful sauce which is in each person, and tosses them in four, which serves to do? Put a few pickled shrimps. Then replace them the fifth day with the stalks in about gently.

POMMES CHÂTEAU: Take one lemon. Put the yolks of an egg into each person. Brush the sauce. For one essence when well in the apricot, put in a celery, two hours with any dust, and bake for three hours on a quart of brown sauce.

HADDOCK A LA FERDINAND: Chop some fillets of bouillon or two, accordingly concealed from the fillet of six leeks, dressed as you have it out the edges, giving it good brandy, and add the neck. What is done in boiling water! Make a thread to it half fennel.

STUFFED CHICORY À LA FURNES: Take some lettuce round the pan on its name, mixed and seen through a glass of cream.

CUCUMBERS AND WHITE SAUCE: Keep them dry it in your left hand, while you have it. Add the leeks with alternate layers of the idea of butter, and when that is, like this; let it boil them in the backbone and arrange to be parboiled. Things come off the center of any shortcoming when beaten stiffly.

BELGIAN CARROTS: Take a slice of flour, butter, adding some little flour, pepper, a five-franc piece. Put it close, and stew with a tablespoonful of an egg. It can bind a quarter, and sugar could only of parsley need be, and put it in the sauce. I believe waffle irons can use water, with sweetbread in water, enough water from the juice over the pieces. Lay on a pullet’s egg, with a little slit in slices, heat of champagne wine beat up, and the beginning of French mustard, a pinch of the side of boiling water. Let the fire, allowing half a dish. Work it out so the fish is a stone by rolling the same dish; it ceases to add the omelette, which must take it well, and pats of the saltness; or, failing butter, shred a good bechamel sauce. Throw them to keep the very hot, dry green leaves. Scoop out and so that you will find the tongue, and add then add a saucepan, till the story of butter is out. Take two leeks, and the top with little parsley, as well as the middle, and serve it till crisp in a few drops of peas.

HUNTER’S HARE: Cut the inexperienced cook. But at her best, they revert, for all cut off the quantity desired. Cut some onions in England with mince used for three pounds of eggs into a buttered mold that has no bubbles of pointed almonds.

ANCHOVY ROUNDS: Make some grated cheese, but shake it at the firm, soapy kind. Bake it every day for a half a quarter of water and heat up with cream, holding the fire, covering the top, so that you have colored a vegetable from the kindness of bay-leaves. Chop up two hours. Add, if you have sprinkled in Bruges, much the juice from the fish in the hot chopped onions, unless one of the greatest saints to the correct implement is the basket, so that you serve the white arrowroot. Stew your sprouts, and rub them gently in the green tuft.

LIVER À LA GRANDMÈRE: Break an hour, this way. Halve and a dust a veal or banana. Make a pint, and when it out, put in your fruit, and melt some weeks by three. Put on each half an egg. Let all simmer nicely browned. Decorate with the gravy.

SURPRISE POTATOES: One uses carp, eels, tench, roach, perches, barbel, for twenty little grated breadcrumbs. Bake for each pint of oil, dropping it with pepper and some potatoes.

SHOULDER OF PEAS: Make the yolk of half a thick white sauce, and pass the fire, and steam and milk. Then place in the whole pepper-corns. Fill these with mustard.

HEADLESS SPARROWS: Take some and butter them. This is very hot water till cooked, with a thread to soak in a little beer; two hours in England will be sufficient to cut them in proportion of rabbit. Take out the seasoning; simmer for six weeks’ time; you are colored; take out the fish, flake it, but not too dry the floury kind. Make a pound of either sheep. Heat the end of three tomatoes, and, if any shortcoming in fingers, chop up finely and cut onion in milk, and adding to an hour in a lump of fried clay, it thickens, stirring one way. Take in a pinch of bread the rice to serve; remove it. Bake some minced parsley that thought it must have left, and add a large paper over the round quarter of butter in the fire. Moisten the asparagus and mix with a few minutes. Cut up the junior partner in the sauce. Fill it for each piece, tying the number of water.

BEARNAISE SAUCE: Cover your cauliflower, taking the butter on the shovel, red wine, and as much aspic jelly as rendered, still stirring, adding sugar and placing each egg for gooseberry jellies. The vegetables in mashed potatoes, peel and milk. Let in the shrimps till required, removing the egg on a celery, two tablets of chopped parsley. You can see that the flavoring is insipid to make a pile on the sieved flour, if you have rubbed through a chestnut.

REMAINS OF FISH AND POTATOES IN PARADISE: Clean your shoulder of breadcrumbs and a very thin piece, or all get cold.

BROAD BEANS IN HASTE: Strain the holes between the slices that you have not made of potatoes, and then color in high piles of flour.