A Robot’s Cookbook, Chapter 2

See Chapter 1 for explanation of this unusual recipe collection.

BELGIAN CARROTS: Cut your croquettes by the whole solar system to futurity, resolve into the different shapes, and cut in cold before serving it.  Mix till it simmers in the breadcrumbs, grated cheese, sliced carrots, and chocolate for five minutes, while a few Brussels sprouts boil some parsley. Work them into each one in four, if you can give the time allotted for two inches across.

CRÊME DE POISSON À LA REINE ELIZABETH: Simmer the same sort of the top, pouring over the fat, just set for a mold. Put a slice of brandy and a layer of gelatine (melted). Mix it with the breast of brown sauce to cook it gently for their whites of cream, a border of an hour in this hole, stirring for an onion cut out the sheet.

SOUFFLÉ: Mince some rice flour; you can. Put into pieces from the top of an hour. Just before putting in some gravy, use veal, chopping fine, and pats of hollow tower. Pour your beef sausages and dust of biscuits, curtly told that you must be golden ones, not quite thick. It is really four eggs in the juice of boiling water with sugar; take about half-an-hour before you use beer. Salt and place the tomatoes and toss the shallots and bake for forty minutes; cook them in washed pieces of butter.

CUCUMBERS AND CHEESE SOUFFLÉ: This is to form a sprig of salt. Fill up the soup; simmer for the converse of chopped before setting it is ignorance. Fork the sauce when you have only just three pounds of mashed potatoes. Cook them, cut off the sauce, using sardines instead of five large pot with good tomatoes, and sprinkle on the hard-boiled eggs; chop finely four minutes and arrange them in fact, half an onion stuffed with a fireproof china shell. Roll each guest.  Add the sauce as necessary to the carrots, the water for your pigeons, and a moment in the Black Broth of fresh lean meat.

STUFFED CARROTS: Fry two half-cases from whites. Put aside, delicately flavored, with a pan on it, six months before you have now put into a wooden spoon.  Turn your lettuce, untie it, then slice as finely as tapioca; let them in with mustard. Then take about and smooth them quickly prepared in the following sauce: Dissolve a large enough browning of English tastes, the eggs, a pint of prunes, and one-way parsley. Lay them boil for two quarts of water to start the tongue or refined bacon.

VEAL WITH VENISON SAUCE: Make the space between the top absorb all sorts of big tomatoes; well in salted water to bake them; place round the talking selves the hind legs of butter, the prunes cut in a thin slice of the dark place. Read more of this post

A Robot’s Cookbook, Chapter 1

I decided that this text requires its own post to really do it justice.  It started as an extremely lengthy spam email received by my ten-year-old Nicholas, who immediately turned it into a bizarre modern entertainment experience by having the computer read it aloud.  Then he wanted to post it as a comment to one of my several posts about the interesting documents produced by robots writing stuff that sort of seems like English.  This was Nick’s first time ever to post a comment on a blog, stirring my heart with maternal pride.  It was just one of twelve similar emails he’d received, and he posted them all.

When I looked at the text in my comment-moderation screen, I didn’t want to post it as it was–way too long, with no paragraph breaks, so that a human would have a hard time reading through it to get to the many hilarious phrases that had jumped out at us as we heard the text read aloud.  So, devoted to the cause of finding humor amid life’s annoyances, I spent an entire lunch hour editing down this text.  Rather than leave it as just a comment on an old post that nobody’s reading, I’m going to trim it down a little more and make it the first in a series that I guess I can call a Found Text Project, thus making myself a post-modern artist, and I’ll post further chapters as I get around to editing them.

Not one word has been added or rearranged.  All I’ve done is cut out words and phrases (reducing the text by about half–I’m telling you, it was really long!) to keep just the funniest parts, adjust punctuation, and add blank lines between recipes.

It would really add to the awesomeness of the Internet if somebody would make a video of the preparation of one of these recipes, or just try to cook one of them and document the results.

UPDATE: Well, this is at least equally awesome: Keith Naylor somehow managed to find what appears to be the source of this text: a 100-year-old cookbook that is archived online!!  Check it out–although far less garbled, it is almost as amusing.  Wow.

REMAINS OF HARICOT BEANS IN SAUCE: Very good gravy with the fruit in the soup. Make deep cuts in dice, and one-half pounds of haddock, or six bananas–and pour a basketful of a pound rump of a dash of paste. Arrange the oven sprinkle; you happen to half moon and eat them in a dish that rolls up the liquor of a pint of lemon juice. Add one separately, and a pint of red enough. Brown an egg and turnips and pour over the oven. Use vinegar from a large wineglassful of ham, but failing that, then leave it in a large cabbage till you have been well mixed. Take your husband telephones that can do this. Read more…