Here’s another thing I saved from my long-ago job at an invention-marketing company: A letter I distributed to the client service representatives on my last day.  These were the long-suffering people who spoke with the inventors by phone and did their very best to speak to these people as if they were sane and reasonable. 

Dear Client Service Representatives:
When I’ve had occasion to read the phone notes, I’ve noticed some real gems that demonstrate what you all have to deal with on a daily basis.  I’ve been collecting them for a while.  Now that I’m leaving, I want you all to know how much I appreciate your help in communicating with the clients…saving me from dealing with moments like these!
—‘Becca

Client wants to change the name but doesn’t know what to.  Client wants us to be less descriptive but doesn’t know how we can.

Client asked what was going on w/patent–informed client that he did not purchase patent services.

Client called because he wants info sent to a P.O. box because his dog bit the mailman and he won’t deliver anymore.

Client said he would like to invite all the fine ladies of [our company] up to a party where he lives [in Ontario].

He sent us a prototype and a garlic press.  I have the garlic press, will have to ask around for the prototype.

Client says if call home # and the grandson answers tell him it’s an emergency.  If not he’ll talk all day.

Returned client’s call re: artwork not right.  What are we, stupid?  Claims he had to take the day off work to make 50 phone calls to get straightened out.  Why are we so stupid that we don’t call him at work?  We didn’t have work number, now that we have, will call him there.  Claimed the bag was too square.  Told him to write on draft to make it rounder.  He’s paying $10,000, why should he have to?  Told him we want to make sure he gets what he wants.  Still refused.  Told him to send to me and I would write it on there.

Client said govt. was talking about a black box–making it law.  Wants materials done before this happens.

Called client to let her know we received approved art.  Says, Well, but there was one small change.  Added suspenders to invention.

Called client and told her I was overnighting disclosure form.  Needs to be filled out before research can proceed…. Client claims never got disclosure.  Said, “I am the one in charge here and if I want something from you I’ll ask.  I ain’t got no money to give you.”  Hung up on me….  Client called claiming she needs her money back.  Told her she signed a contract.  We can’t give her money back when we have provided services.  Claims she never signed any papers.

Tried to reach client.  Number disconnected.  Sending contact letter….  Client called, is angry no one talks to him.

Client called re: art wrong, everything has been wrong, BIP [Basic Information Packet] was wrong.  Asked client if he ever sent back BIP revisions as we had discussed–no.  Client then said he does not want info to go out without him being patent pending–pointed out to client that we had discussed before that he did not purchase patent services.

Client called re: art: colors wrong, it’s not life size and it says it is, and skeleton missing.

Client said he is diabetic so sometimes it may take him a while to send things back.

Explained confidentiality.  Client said now that he has patent he doesn’t have to worry.  Explained that he did not purchase patent services.

Name was misspelled (I corrected it to read JON not JOHN)  Client claims JON is correct version and everyone just throws an H in it to be fancy.

Client called re: rent the movie Rocket Man.  A space monkey is in it.  OK thanks.  He’s going to get a real monkey and take it around to schools, wanted to know if we should put that in his press release.  I recommended that we keep as additional info.

Told client we can change name to “Can of Wup Butt” instead of “Whoop” but we cannot change “butt” to “ass”.

Client said he was in a coma about 5 years ago and has brain damage.  Client is sending Joanne and I a picture of a rock he found that changed his life.  OK, looking forward to it, thanks.

Client wanted to know if we would extend a loan for his car.  No, sorry!!

[Phone number client gave] is a pay phone in Smile Dental Care office.  No one by that name works there.

Explained to client that there is no category specifically for trailer hitches in our New Product/Invention Register.

[8/19]  Client is sending in samples of his turnip greens.  Will have tomorrow.  Thanks.
[8/20, 10:25 am]  Client called re: will receive greens today.  Thanks.
[8/20, 1:42 pm]  Client called re: to see if received greens?  No.  Called mailroom, don’t have.
[8/20, 2:13 pm]  Client called re: to see if received greens?  Yes we did.  Thanks.
[8/22]  Client called re: you did receive press release revision, right?  Yes we did.
[8/26]  Client called re: did we receive add’l info?  Not yet.  OK thanks.
[8/27]  Client called re: did we receive add’l info?  No, will call when I do.
[8/28]  Called client to let him know I received info.
[9/18]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[9/23]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[9/29]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[10/14]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[10/20]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[10/22]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[10/28]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[11/3]  Returned client call re: touch base.  Nothing new to report.  Thanks.
[11/7]  Client called to say have a good weekend.  You too.
[11/10]  Client called to talk.
[11/12]  Client called re: He wants 2 brochures sent to him instead of 1.  I will send another one out to you when completed.  Thanks….
[12/4]  Returned client call re: needs another brochure sent to him.
[12/12]  Client called re: update.
[12/16]  Client called re: update.  Told him he just talked to Joanne 4 days ago.  Said he didn’t remember….  Told him I ate the sample he sent even thought I really didn’t.  Only tasted and took home to see if fiance would eat.  Nope.  Didn’t tell [client] this though….
[12/29]  Client called w/company referral.  Wants me to fax because he has a personal contact….  Tried to fax info to C&W Foods but # disconnected….
[1/9]  Client called re: any responses?  Not at this time.  OK.
[1/19]  Client called re: any responses?  Not at this time.  OK.
[1/28]  Client called re: any responses?  Not at this time.  OK.

Dear reader: Are you laughing and shaking your head over this stuff and thinking, “Boy, am I glad I don’t have a job where I have to deal with annoying people like that!”?  I know how you feel!  Please take a moment to thank someone who does this type of work for you–whether by protecting you from the actual clients so that you can do your work behind the scenes in peace, or by serving you so tolerantly when you are the annoying customer!