Invention Marketing Claims

A decade ago, I worked at an invention marketing company, whose services were intended to help people who had ideas for new products hook up with companies who would manufacture those products.  Some really cool stuff came through, but there were also a lot of silly ideas.  The Federal Trade Commission forced the company to accept all ideas unless they actually violated the laws of physics.  On top of that, the company advertised on very-late-night television, attracting some strange people.  It was frustrating to see people spending thousands of dollars trying to strike it rich with really lame ideas, and sometimes it was quite a struggle to write technical documentation based on less-than-lucid written descriptions and illustrations, but it was an extremely entertaining job!  I collected some of the funniest bits–some from the inventors themselves, some from summaries written by other staff members who had a hilarious tendency to use misplaced modifiers–and I now present them for your reading pleasure.

The sound because of design would be Jazz Time Noise from guitar, as well as sound would be round ball and transparent.

User would build a snowman using regular snow which is widely available from the nature at a winter time for free.

It is pleasantly eye appalling.

Length:  2 inches.  Width:  4 inches.  Shape:  square.

This is a breast pad for new mothers with adhesive.

The idea came up and kicked me in the ass.

Product would be tubular in length.

We have developed an acquired taste for the most populated occasions.  A batch was made to inspire the family treat.  Then my character decided to change the meats.

The problem is it eliminates the discomfort.

This product could be appealing to those individuals who experience difficulty in juggling umbrellas.

Many tumors, however, are more demanding.

Occupies moment of empty thought while urinating.

It could be used for antibiotics for children which need to be refrigerated.

No human experience carries the dramatic import and symbolic meaning of childbearing.

[How did you develop this idea?]  Trying one day to remove the nail polish without disturbing nail polish.

[What is your occupation?]  Experimental Rocket Propellant.

Fulfills the need to NOT GAG while you are working.

Fulfills the need of your lettuce to stay on your sandwich.

[What need does the idea fulfill?]  skin cancer and child’s play

The concept is designed to allow one to be dressed and at the same time be culturally specific.

I see the product as finly preferated.

Slows balding proses by eliminating the sides of Head Digging into pillow.

The world’s public have become very user friendly.

This idea will cut down are assure any problem that is Unknown of if used properly.

This device would be appreciated by soft drinkers of all ages.

[What benefits would the user receive?]  filfullment of inconvenience

[What need does the idea fulfill?]  Be MORE cold or wet or dirty seats to sit on action performing deletions in the outdoors.

Tuna is emptied into product, turns handle, and screws top down.

It’s a dietry aid to Help people to eat Heather.

Revolutionary lighted disk flyer gives unproductive dark hours back to the people.

We learned of the problem, and came up with a distorted solution, after Several a tempts, and Long hours of, trial and error, thus spawnded the Toilet Trainer 2000!!!

Allows an individual to strap on a mountain bike in order to aid in carrying difficult situations.

Bumbing your opponent & the avenge factor makes this game additive.  Levitates boredome.

[What need does the idea fulfill?]  A frog has every right to live as long as he can stay out of trouble.

The product would aid in the likelihood of injury to both the care provider and the patient.

Screw clamping device to ensure a tight smug fit.  Clamp pivots to fit the surface of your desire.

[How did you develop this idea?]  After washing my wife doing laundry.

I feel this hat could be a new era for the late 90’s & early 20th century.

Use to hold up victim’s head while rinsing perm.  This is to relieve the discomart and pain.

[Do you plan to work on other inventions in the future?]  I know a lot of plants with chemical properties which I want to investigate.

The comfort of a garudian angel gives a crist Like filling.

I seen heeted socks and figured they mite heet coffee.

It fulfills the need for traveling cupcakes.

How unspensive or chipper it is to make!

Harvest Collection shits are made with the careful attention to detail that you expect in a fine garment.

Materials:  gold, silver, fantasy, or plastic

It could eliminate the woman seeking assistance.

This product would eliminate the individual pulling up the socks.

It would automatically eliminate a family member constantly throwing soiled clothes on top of whites.

This convenient dental aid could eliminate the individual wrapping the floss around his fingers.

This decorative pillow would enlighten the decor of any room.

They are good for people from all ages, and sex.

A homeowner would save time ironing clothes twice.

I was putting shingles on a friend and I wasted shingles the old way.

There is a world out there frustrated in learning capicity.  Many times children but also adults are not equipped tu engage due in dialogue with other individuals, the lack of Communication skills.  Words are a powerful tool that develops the interaction of communication skills.  Words develop better sentences, paragraphs and stories.  I want tu help salve some world problems through, improved usage of words as a communication skill.  [This inventor said she was a teacher!]

Results in preventable loss of life.

[What is your occupation?] waiter (deceased)

Next, the perforated holes would be removed.

Many baby boomers are coming face to face with gray hair.

[How did you develop this idea?]  lots of thinking on what I want in a door knob.

It will leave you with a intense feeling that may last forever in his or her’s heart.  Get Lost for a few moments.  It is alos a very passionate Card.  [slogan for the card:]  So very scented is the rose; a true beauty, to wither to eventual dust.  To say my Love for you will wither, is to say a plastic rose you would be; for it will never crumble in time.  But become stronger & deeper then any depths ever emagined.  So rare it is our Love, A Love to be for Eternity!!

[How did you develop this idea?]  A long time ago, I began to burn hair off my body with matches.

Replacement legs could be purchased at a fraction of the cost of regular pantyhose.

Made out of material of childproof prevention.  It fulfills the need for handicapped children & toddlers.

These bags would be contained in a box, with disruptions of the ingredients.

[How did you develop this idea?]  Trying to whack my daughter while she was playing and I was thying to get a tan.

I decided that this was a missing item in the kitchen, especially an older person.

[How long have you been a resident of your community?]  1 year 6 moods

If possible, the Toilet Protector should be packed like Little Debbie Cakes.

Product line to include neckless charms.

[from specs for an amplifier]  Octal Memory cell, cube’d? . . . “Complemented Wheat Stone Bridge?;” How’s That!!  Hun!!  Patent IT!!!  Sir Charle’s Wheatstone 1802–>1875 straight To speaker Do Not pass GO!!! . . . Hi Tech. comp.comp. comp^4 Inverted one side Darlington Amplifier Proprietary Info. of; “Central Az. Ruin & Destroy!  Don’t forget to Add Zoner’s to imput of Darlington.  *Collector Couple; injected Base & Emitter Logic?? . . . Harley Davidson’s ower’s Group #1 USA. . . .  Why not take such opportunities for ruining otherwise good sound performance and make then essentially automatic.

[Are you aware of any competitive products?]  Yes, and there are none.

The lonley cowboy will never fill alone any more.  Riding horses will be funnier than ever.  [What groups would use your idea?]  Any people related to horses.

My invention is an extend, Body of Television to Make it Do Things machanically in Real Life as to video is to TV.  If Hydrylic’s can work to Apply small pressure to Multiply it–to Lift a Heavy object’s why not television Ray Charle’s can see That.  So if we can Design and give Height usage By Hydrulic’s, By chain Drive motor, usage went Lifts we got it, Made. . . .  Encircle whole TV to en lock TV on plate form for the Tite Function for TV TV tite Back side up and front side of TV would then Be Like a Flash Light.

I dispise the fact that, we as women, must prowl through several items to complete the comfort of an inopportune menstrual cycle.

With this product the concern over under-age smokers and bar patriots will be greatly eased.

Made like a water cooler style lamp the plastic contaning.

I am often worried that appliance plugs are correctly wired.

Shape: round infinity oval.  Materials: fiberglass, wiring, meats, Mylar, mirror image.

[What features make your idea appealing?]  It’s the 90’s.

He noticed the problems motorists experienced with older-style fuses who had trouble getting replacements.

He believes it would fulfill the need for a socially acceptable means of expressing extreme dislike of an individual through bodily functions.

[My portable toilet design] is a necessity for families and human beings.  Attractive, convenient, affordable, individuality, importance, pleasant, brilliant, success, satisfaction.  Reality, convenience, willpower, freedom of expression, results and Power.  It solves problems insanity and having to leave when you don’t want to.

  Inside of toilet seat exploded for detail.

Also peace oven back for Front Snapped and provides pockets for Baby.

But wait, what is that sleek, compact decorative container.  With a sigh of relief, it contains tampons and pads.

Please except the attached additional material.

I decided to stay home to take care of my daughter and got pregnant in the process.  So I decided that I needed a hobbit keep me occupy.

Its for those people who do not eat fruit, because of lack of taste or because they are sour.  It will help people with obesely constipation.

The concentrator plate can be detached from the rubber hose by means of a bayonet.

[How did you develop this idea?]  from friends and strangers comments regarding how their back pains inhibits their sexual relations also impotent word of mouth and other forms of communications.

Is a long time but a long-long time since they come with the weels and winds but no one come to tell the wold the Best News wish is security on your transportation the resolve to stop the Killing on Weels-Sea-Air, is a try with Security on every part of Human Body is security!

Helps prevent scolding of persons in shower.

A leisure game played for points, bonus points, sudden death, and most of all fun.

Increases blood sexcelation in the scalp!

I own my beaty saloon for 33 years.

Magnet allows you to hang on locker wall to dry out.

[Describe steps involved in making idea:]  Manufacture expertise.

Material:  sheep mettle

If any player lands on number 7 three times after they get saved and don’t land in Satan’s den, he would receive a $1,000,000 bonus.

Save money through illuminating waste.

It is used by raping the towl around your waste.

Why sit on the comode oy you run of out of paper.  Just reach over and retching a roll from yor Tisser Storage.  Plus it can be use as a pice of furning.

Air vent is removable for cleaning off Lent.

It would eliminate the constant chore of wiping off shoes after standing in a puddle of urine.  It is designed to maintain urine splashes on floors.

This thing use in able the tissue box has a neat place to put.

[How did you develop this idea?] from long hours watching condom after condom falling off

[What is your occupation?]  Respiratory Investment Banker

When finished ironing, a user would simply collapse into a flat position for compact storage.

Indiviuals witholding the device maybe contacted by a beeping sound; therefore allowing the intellectual to return calls.  This indiviual will be admired by all when “Voice Page” allows multitudes to be informed by a beeping sound.  [Who would purchase this product?]  Businessmen, doctors, teen mechanics, etc.  [Where would this product be sold?] Pager/cellular, retail, pawn shops.

Materials:  optional

The size could be the same as a traditional American for the home.

The basic difference between a piece of French toast and a human being is the frequency of vibration.

Trays constitute of a sloth in the middle of the edge surface.

[What benefits would the user receive?]  Peace of mind in front of theft of vehicle’s tentatives.

[What is your occupation?] admmistative assintait

Innovative cosmetic product enables busy women to seize a moment in history to reverly address oneself with attractive, moisturizing lip colors of prestigious & known women.

After being discussed by the toilets, I came up with this invention.

I have studied child physcarity.

In my opinion there is a need to see when driving.

[How is it made?]  Unknown Exactacy.

Is idea original?  As far as we know YES–but in principal could be likened to the Arabic worry beads or Roseary beads–but year 2000 A.D. western version.  Remember Scooby-Doo’s.  Packaged for: Car, bathroom rolls, tissue box panties, love in’s.  All genders Male/Female/Gay. etc.  Taste my body fluids!/perfume/etc.  Bite my bubble–nose, nipple, etc.  Teenage love market.  Areospace.  Oil Industry.  Traffic Control.  Blood=(butchers shop).  Churches/mass/funerals/weedings:  Dracula Inssance.  Sea+waves+beach+sand=(seaweed).  Sex=Heavy perfume, Plastic Glove??  Could “assist” in solving numerous problems.

I’am a peffectionist.

MORE MEMENTOS OF MY TIME AT THE INVENTION COMPANY:
products of an overheated brain working late on The Concept Catalog
things I overheard in the office
Client Service Notes
invention name changes

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About 'Becca
author of The Earthling's Handbook, about the environment, parenting, cooking, and more!

10 Responses to Invention Marketing Claims

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